France and England will play each other tonight at Hard Rock Stadium in a fixture that FIFA classifies as the “match for third place” and that every human being involved classifies as “the match for the team that lost the semifinal and now has to stay in Miami for three days while their families ask why they are not home.”
France lost 2-0 to Spain on Monday, a match in which France did not score, did not threaten, and did not, according to the post-match analysis in L’Equipe, “attend.” England lost 2-1 to Argentina on Tuesday, a match in which England led for 40 minutes, attempted to defend the lead for the remaining 35, held 12 percent of possession after scoring, and then conceded a 92nd-minute winner, a sequence that English fans described as “the most English thing that has ever been English.”
Both teams now face each other in a fixture that occupies a unique position in international sport: it is the only match in which both participants have already lost the tournament, both would prefer to be on a flight home, and the medal awarded to the winner is stored, by every previous recipient, in the same drawer as the manual for an appliance that stopped working in 1997.
Thomas Tuchel, the England manager, attributed his team's collapse against Argentina to the country’s “football DNA,” a phrase that appeared in British newspapers the following morning under headlines ranging from the restrained (“What DNA?”) to the unrestrained (“FRANKENDNA”). Tuchel, who has been criticised for deploying a back five while leading 1-0 with thirty minutes remaining (a tactical innovation that turned England into a defensive training exercise for a team that was not actually defending), announced he intended to stay on as manager and would field a similar system tonight, “plus an additional two defenders, for insurance.”
Didier Deschamps, the France manager, was asked about tonight’s fixture at a press conference. According to reporters present, he stared at the ceiling for approximately forty-five seconds and said: “We are here.”
The players, according to sources close to both camps, have been preparing for the match by not mentioning it. A French federation spokesperson confirmed that the squad had held a team meeting to discuss “anything else.” Kylian Mbappé, the tournament’s joint-top scorer with eight goals, was reportedly seen at the team hotel staring at a wall, which a staff member described as “the most animated he has looked since the semifinal.” Jude Bellingham, the English midfielder, was photographed in the lobby of the team hotel holding what appeared to be a departure-lounge boarding pass, which the FA confirmed was “a misprint.”
The third-place match has been defended by FIFA throughout history with the phrase “it is traditional,” which is also how FIFA has defended every decision it has made since 1904, including the decision to award the 2022 World Cup to a country with no football tradition, the decision to expand the 2026 tournament to 48 teams, and the decision to install a Super Bowl-style halftime show featuring Madonna, Shakira, BTS, and the Muppets, a list that this newspaper has already addressed and does not wish to revisit, though the editorial board notes its position has not changed.
England’s defeat to Argentina on Tuesday was followed by controversy when Argentine players unfurled a banner reading “Las Malvinas son Argentinas” on the pitch, a gesture that prompted the British government to immediately demand a FIFA investigation and prompted FIFA to issue a statement confirming it would “assess the reports.” The banner, which has now been the subject of more diplomatic correspondence than the match itself, joins a long tradition of Argentine footballers expressing geopolitical views during major tournaments, a tradition that FIFA has punished with fines ranging from “symbolic” to “also symbolic.”
France, meanwhile, was eliminated by a Spanish side that scored twice (Oyarzabal from the spot in the 22nd minute, Porro in the 58th) and then stopped scoring, apparently satisfied that two goals were sufficient against an opponent whose response to going 2-0 down was, according to the match statistics, “continuing to exist.”
The match kicks off at 20:00 local time, approximately two hours before Spain and Argentina will hold their final training sessions in East Rutherford, New Jersey, in front of a combined global media presence that will, by FIFA’s own estimate, be approximately seven thousand times larger than the audience for tonight’s match, which is being covered by one reporter from each country and a third who drew the short straw.