Belgium Officially Renames Seattle “New-Brussels” Following Historic World Cup Humiliation
Less than fourteen hours after Romelu Lukaku slotted a stoppage-time fourth past Matt Freese at Lumen Field, knocking the United States out of the 2026 FIFA World Cup on their own soil, the Belgian federal government convened an emergency session and, in a motion passed 124 to 3, formally renamed the city of Seattle, Washington “New-Brussels” in perpetuity.
The motion, drafted on the back of a Stella Artois coaster during the victory parade, cites “an unambiguous and irreversible moral claim” arising from the 4–1 result, and invokes a previously little-known article of the 1839 Treaty of London that no one had bothered to read until last night…
Belgian Politician Demands Constitutional Amendment After Spell-Check Changes “Potato” to “Potatoe”
An MP has tabled a motion to enshrine the correct spelling of “potato” in the Constitution after autocorrect altered a key word in a televised speech on the Bintje.
Belgian Village Petitions for Own Microclimate After 41st Consecutive Day of Rain
Elzekers, in Flemish Flanders, has asked the Royal Meteorological Institute for its own weather, separate from the rest of the country, which it concedes is “also wet, but differently.”
Brussels Trams Now Officially “Not Running” for 40 Years, STIB Admits in Leaked Memo
The internal document, marked “do not show the passengers,” concedes the network has been “operating in a notional sense only” since 1986.
Markets
Stella Artois share price up 4.2% on “strong post-match sentiment.” Friterie futures steady. Bintje flat. Mayo crown index at record high.
Weather
Brussels: 18°C, rain. Antwerp: 17°C, rain. Liège: 16°C, heavier rain. Elzekers: see page 3. Thursday: rain. Friday: also rain.
In Brief
Council postpones thing. Commission regrets thing. Parliament asks for thing to be explained again. Belgium continues, against odds.